The Day Morrissey changed my life

The Day Morrissey Changed my Life

When people are asked the question "What was your most important day?" They always seem to cop out and go on default bullshit mode with answers like "Wedding Day" or "Childs Birth or "Graduation"...these are all total shite.

If a man says "Wedding day" it's because his wife is listening to him or watching him, if he says "Kids birth" he is trying not to make his offspring believe they are some sort of inconvinient mistake and "Graduation"? sorry but these days Degrees are easier to acquire than tube of Smarties and about as much use as one as well, and if the greatest day in your life is passing a degree course that a fucking mongoose could do with it's eyes shut then i think you have real self worth issues.

The real moments in life that change and effect you are actually very simple and completely unexpected, they just happen and you suddenly feel in your heart that for some reason nothing will be the same again. This story is what i think and feel has really led to me being the very extrovert, slightly camp, very flambouyant (in personality not clothing) and sometimes sexually confusing (to others) person i am...It can all be traced back to when I was 9 years old, i was a young boy in the traditional sense not in modern day terms, i fished, i rode a bike, i played with meccanno, i watched transformers and was on the whole rather an annoying twat, a quality some people feel i never really lost, then one day I looked at the telly and i saw something that changed me, I saw Morrissey.

Now I grew up in the 1980's which means i was never gonna turn out to be that normal anyway. The 80's was truly a decade which created damaged people and warped personalities to a degree that most would never recover. There are so many 80's icons who, for no real obvious reason, have gone mental.

Tom Cruise, for example, was "Top Gun" or "Days of Thunder" or "Cocktail" and most memorably for me "Rain Man", he was the hollywood hunk, the dude, men wanted to be him and women wanted every inch (which were only 64 in number) of him. Now look at him...a few rumours about being a Homosexual Jaffa and he's gone completely fucking loopy, he's into Scientology which believes aliens are going to take humans back "home" one day and most worryingly that his wife, Katie Holmes (a virgin till that jammy short arsed twat broke her in), must give birth naturally and in COMPLETE SILENCE!!!!! Now even as a man i had to wince at that one, i wouldn't mind if there was some fairness and the Fathers of the children were forced to have a Melon inserted violently into their anus without any lubrication whilst the Mother was in labour...but that's not the case, like all religions it punishes the woman and lets the man off with a warning.

Mel Gibson, there's a great 80's icon, he was Lethal Weapon man, he made the bouffont mullet slightly sexy, he was the ultimate maverick, the definitive renegade cop....Now he's a pissed up meglomaniac hater of Jews! I respect the right of anyone to have thier own beliefs, no matter how foul i find them myself, but i do think that if you hate Jews and on top of that you've just made a film about Jesus being tenderised for 12 hours with no real purpose other than to show just how nasty crucifixtion is (cos i thought it would be so nice and gentle, with sponge and marshmallows) and also your the member of a strict Catholic religious sect (which makes the Taliban look like an episode of rainbow) then i don't think it's wise that you get pissed out of your head, go for a drive whilst your banned and then say to the arresting officer who has a camera and microphone on his car.."Are you a Jew? Jews are responsible for every war in the world ever"...I mean call me old fashioned but he could have thought that through a little bit better. I do suspect that Mel is a trifle bigotted towards certain groups, these religious extremeists always are, but i do not agree that his anti-semitism is proven by the fact that his hideous gorefest "The passion of the christ" shows it was the jews who killed Christ....as oppose to who exactly? The Welsh, The Norwegians, The Magnificent seven, The Romans own army of Hoodies? I think the Idea of Jews killing Christ is more down to the Bible really, i don't see why they can complain about it now when it's been common knowledge for a few thousand years now, I think it shows that many so called "Jews" are not really up on the facts, as they are, in the book which they really should have had a browse and a sort little skim through, Unless in the jews are given a version in which The German Nazi Party nail Jesus up and kill the poor bugger? It's really the bibles author (does Moses have an agent) than Mel's own propaganda, it would take a real brave man, even in hollywood, to fuck around with the ending of the bible, I imagine in hollywood the romans would be english, Jesus would be from New York and The Jews would all be pissed up and optimistic violin playing Irish throw backs....

David Hasselhoff....The MAN!!! The king of Kings, no question surely? Knight Rider Mother Fucker, the tightest trousers and hariest chest that the world had ever seen, if he was any manlier he'd have to live in a zoo. Every lad wanted to be Knight Rider, we all wanted a talking car and buttocks like The Hoff had. Then in the 90's he did "Baywatch" a shit show but we forgave him for it a) he's The Hoff and b) Hello? big tits and slow running?...Jackpot! It made Saturday afternoons a reason to get home early and let the missus have the car for the afternoon, this was British TV for christ sake, if a womans knee cap was on view the program was usually banned and thrown into a volcano on Mars. Yes, The Hoff left the 80's and had his cred still intact, then in 2000+ He does The Sponge Bob film...The highest grossing cartoon on the planet (worth over $1billion) beating Disney for fucks sake! You actually believed he was a true 80's soldier, he was The Hoff..completely immune from the dangers of the world.....WRONG...Goes to a hotel and ends up in hospital cos he drank 8 mini bottles of vodka.....8....FUCKING EIGHT?...MY FUCKING NAN COULD DRINK EIGHT MINI'S OF VODKA....MY NAN COULD PISS EIGHT FUCKING MINI'S OF VODKA....YOU CUNT HASSELHOFF....YOU WERE MEANT TO BE THE MAN WHO RULED MEN...YOU WERE GODS IMAGE OF THE MALE BREED....AND YOU END UP IN HOSPITAL AFTER EIGHT FUCKING POXY ARSED MINI'S OF VODKA....and just when you felt you couldn't be more let down and broken hearted...HASSELLHOFF GETS DRUNK ON A PLANE (PROBABLY HAD A TIZER TOO MANY) AND PISSES HIS PANTS WHILST SAT DOWN!!!...AND GETS PICTURES OF HIS URINE SOAKED TROUSERS ON EVERY TABLOID IN THE WORLD....YOU ARE A DISGRACE....YOU ARE NOT THE HOFF ANYMORE...your just David.

I could go on really...so i will.

Boy george: Miserable fucking fag whose job seems to be slagging off people more successful than him to the papers. "Elton John just uses people" No george people ask Elton to use them. "Eminem is a Homophobe", he's right, I always see Homophobes singing and hugging Elton John on Global TV...if he hated Gays he'd run a mile for fear of catching aids. "Kelly osbourne has no talent"....ok so he's right sometimes.

Michael Jackson: Least said soonest mended really? I know he was found not guilty but 2 kiddy fiddler charges are enough for one lifetime, we even forgot about the first kid he was alledged to have fondled...Why? It's Michael Jackson for fucks sake...the man sung Billy Jean, Thriller, Smooth Criminal....let him have a fucking Dr's and Nurses session with a minor if he wants...Be fair. Aside from the Charges there was The zoo and funfair in the back garden (not a good look for a suspected paedophile) The Marrying of Elvis' Daughter, having kids (which means he fucked a woman, with his cock and ejaculated...no one can put images like that with Jacko), being 800 trillion in debt when you own not only Michael Jacksons record royalties but also the Beatles? that's one big spender, dangling his kid out the window, going to court in his pyjamas (again not a very wise move for a man who is accused of being a nonce). Then he does a song with R kelly, who was also accused of shagging minors all be it a 15 years old and a female which is at least an improvment on Michael's preference.

Gary Glitter: He's in a vietnam prison cell..that's pretty severe for anyone on earth really...Gary Glitter did make Britain proud though, whilst Jacko was suspected and cleared of raping youths Glitter was guilty as fuck! His computer had so much child porn in it's files that it was twice as heavy as when he bought the fucking thing...He then gets released and moves to Cambodia (Paedo capital of the Milky way) and takes years before he gets caught again...That showed the Yanks how you do Rockstar Paedophilia the British way. But he let the side down when he was interviewed live by the BBC from his cell in Vietnam, he was asked outright and bluntly (something the BBC try to avoid like Aids nowadays)

"Gary, why were You, a man with child porn convictions, in bed with a 10 year old girl?"

Now it reads like possibly the stupidest question ever asked really, and it would have been had Glitter done the decent and honourable thing of admitting what we all knew was true, but i suppose honour and decency are no longer staples of child rapists anymore. Admit it, even in your head, if Gary had said in response to that question "Well as a full blown nonce i find its easier to rape kids when they're in the bed with me, it's a bit more relaxing and the walls are soundproof and the sheets are made to wipe clean" then you'd have had a bit more respect for him, you'd think "Well he's a sick bastard but at least he's honest".....BUT NOOOOOOO! Gary Gave an answer that made the question look valid and open to debate, he said "The girls were in my bed because they were scared of ghosts"....now read that back again and let it sink in......WHAT? That's your answer Gary? Final answer? you sure?.....You wanker! several issues here 1) The girls were in his bed naked....did that make them less prone to some form supernatural attack? 2) How fucking shit your arse off scary would a ghost have to be that the safest option was to be in bed with Gary Glitter? I'd have to be literally so scared that i was bleeding body fluids that don't even exist out of my ears, i'd have to shit so hard that a sonic boom would be caused as the turd left my pants, my cock would have to fall off and vapourise before getting into bed with Gary Glitter became the lesser of 2 evils and 3) How did the girls not figure this out? "What's that in your hand Mr Glitter?" "Why thats my Pink Ghost catching gun, and my hairy proton pack" "WOW, That's brilliant, whats that shooting out of it onto my face and...ew...whats this white sticky stuff in my eyes?" "Why thats just some ectoplasm, the ghost must be near...what did this ghost look like?" "He was really pale and had this bony face and a high pitched scream and really odd clothes" "HOLY SHIT Michael Jacksons here!!" 2 months and that's the best excuse he could conjure up....for a man who created Leader of the Gang...the greatest song in Music history, that is a big let down.

George Michael: This man is living proof and the definitive evidence that the 80's was, of all the decades in history, the most Gay...Why? I hear you ask, here's why; Go away and Watch every Wham! video that was made, then every live performance they did,view every poster they were on, every press cutting from the media they did, consider the fact George wore sandals at Wham's last show at Wembley Stadium and once you've taken all that in and absorbed it then remember this shocking fact....WE DIDN'T KNOW GEROGE MICHAEL WAS QUEER UNTIL 1994.....11 YEARS AFTER WHAM! SPLIT....AND HE STILL HAD TO TELL US BECAUSE WE COULDN'T FIGURE IT OUT FOR OURSELVES...HOW GAY DO YOU THINK THE 80'S WAS NOW? George has now really been a bit of a recluse, he rarely tours, he's not on TV and he even donates all his royalties from sales to charity as he doesn't need the money anymore.Then for no reason a few years ago GM went completely outside his mind and seemed to lose his common sense and basic decorum, he did this in wonderfully absurd ways, here is the George Michael 2 way guide to being a full on nutter 1) Smoke 25 joints in a day, get stoned off your tits and then decide that for some unfathommable reason you'd like to go for a drive, shortly after setting off you get pulled over not on purpose but because you fell asleep whilst the car was moving, get shown in the papers but be philisophical about it and move on AND 1 week later try to see if you can get away with it again, 25 joints then a drive in the dark, get caught again and become more ridiculed in and all over the press and after a few days.....DO IT AGAIN!. AGAIN, THAT'S 3 TIMES IN A MONTH.....NOW HOW BLODDY STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO GET CAUGHT DRIVING WHILST STONED AND ASLEEP 3 TIMES IN A MONTH??....Well not stupid enough for Mr Michael it would seem, as George went onto insane idea 2) Having been caught stoned and asleep whilst driving several times he thought he should stop doing that really it's not that safe on reflection...um....WHAM! BAM! That's it, instead of stoned driving i'm gonna go to the local park and get a blowjob off a stranger in his late 50's whilst in a shrub...despite the fact the press are following me all the way there like a trail of rats...then, when the press catch you and start snapping away you lose your temper and hit the photographer calling them intrusive fucking wankers...it's not really like me to defend tabloid or celeb gossip media but i have to take the journo's side here, if you knew George Michael was getting sucked off in a hedge by a senior citizen just down the road I doubt any of us would waste that rare and very valuble Kodak moment, we'd be legging it to the park with excitment and glee at the pound signs that the tabs will offer, take a camcorder and film it, sell in the sunday sport "Hung Guns are having bum fun", it's only human nature and George has no real defence here ...it's not looking good is it, doesn't show what i would call a man who is fully employed in his own brain and sanity.

There were many others but i think I've more than made my point clear, I was destined for peculiarity. But i wasn't aware what sort of alternative attitude would be the one which i would model myself on and absorb into my chracter. Then one summers evening in 1988, i turned on the TV to see Top of the pops, which was still considered a very important show in those days, now with i-pods and downloads and internet video streams TOTP's was redundant, kids no longer have to wait till Friday @ 7pm to watch thier favourite stars, they can do it on the way to school via thier phone. But I loved TOTP's, it was the highlight of my week ( Shut up, I had no friends, your mocking my loneliness),Now I was used to the likes of Kylie, Bros, Rick Astley, Jason Donovan ( he went mental and got a savage coke habit whilst performing panto at The Marlowe theatre in Kent. Great PR is not newspapers showing a fist fight involving Buttons from Cinderella Charlied of his arse, he was banned from every pub in Canterbury for the entire panto).This music of this decade of the unasthetic, which is now referred to affectionately as "Cheese" (smells wierd, full of shit, really fucking tasty) was all i really knew at the time but I liked it even though it was seriously uncool (at the age of six i owned 3 singles by Twisted Sister, if you aint heard of them Google it, it's quite worrying) i always liked what i liked and never pretended not to like a song on the mere basis that "It's girly" or "The singers are men which equates to Gay love interest", "it's really weird"...

On a side note..Nor do i go for this idea of "Manufactured Popbands are Corporate Money spinners and should not be bought or listened to in anyway shape or form"...I always respond with So...Fucking ....What?, Can anyone name me any product or item or concept or any well marketed idea that does not work as a Corporate Money making machine...If you buy a Pepsi, or eat at a fast food chain, you buy a football shirt, own a mobile phone, smoke a cigarette, buy clothes or fill a car up with petrol, Have tv lisence and Sky digital, a computer, internet provider, bought a beer/wine/spirit, in fact anything that requires you to pay money for certain goods or services is in some way funding a Corporation of some sort, just because you believe that "Real Bands" have more artistic morality in thier work does not mean that the money used to buy thier work is going to be used in a more ethical and fair and just way does it? Do you think that EMI spend the Sex Pistols Royalties in a more Anarchic and politically controversial way than Interscope spend the money from Take That record sales?NO, money is money, Take that boyband or not are the same value as The sex pistols to a record label cos they make money, if that stops the band, Real or Pop, is finished money makes everyone equal in this world but can we please justify Why oh Why do Westlife get it in the neck more than Nestle? I don't recall Westlife selling children as slaves for rich bussinessmen...if they have it's been on the sly for sure. I know the songs they sing are all pretty much the same, the "baby, maybe, Love from above" but these songs are made for the child market which is what they appeal to and make the money from. But have you heard the lyrics of some "Real Bands" Here's some from the current charts:

"I love it when you call, i love it when you call, i love it when you call but you never call at all" by The Feeling.....how does he know he loves it when they call...if they never fucking do it? These are a group of "men" who actually write this and agree that it's got some real value...the cd's make great ash trays.

another lyric...

"I just wanna fuck you, fuck you, I just wanna fuck you, fuck you" Akon, what a wonderfully touching sentiment he manages to convey here, i hope he's not just saying this in order to hide the fact that he's using her as nothing more than a genuine and heartfelt companion and soulmate, He's a cunt.

my fave of this bunch...

"Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me, don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me, dont you?" Well obviously the answer is yes, but what am i supposed to do knowing this information, I can say Yes but you cant hear and i doubt you'll do anything about it. The only women who dance to this in clubs are that special type of woman who make the line "a freak like me" a bit more 3 dimensional.

In short all modern music is shite, the best music is stuff no-one's ever heard of and then they go on Radio 1 and suddenly become shit and....well Radio 1 ish.

There's a definate monotony that occurs in all bands and genres of music and not just Pop groups, I love motorhead but i'd struggle with recognising some of the songs by hearing alone, and I personally dont want a 8 year old listening to Korn or Nirvana or Rage against the machine, this music is for hormonal teenage misery guts who think they know more than everyone else and spend 7 years of their youth threatening suicide and sadly none of them do. If any pre-teen was listening to this music I would feel nervous because that suggests to me, in my medical opinion, that the child will grow up to be a danger to animals and thier backsides,There was always one wierd kid at school who ate his own shit and played with dead animals he found on the motorway and he always listened to this unhappy and violent stuff, it's worrying for me, and here's a real question for you :What's so great and important about writing everything which you front and are presenting? Why do we think that being the true source for the art you are giving the world matters in anyway in determining the value of their work? Remember this, Elvis Presley ( This King) never wrote ONE word of his hits, shall we forget about him then? No, he was a very important part of music history, very controversial, highly influential and a brilliant performer. Also there's Bob Hope who never wrote a joke he told but i doubt he'll ever be discarded as a comic icon, as he should not, delivery of a joke is more important than writing it in some cases. There are also several literary historians who believe that Shakespeare actually only wrote as few as 2 of his plays for which he is famous for writing and the other plays are works by other playwrights which his name has simply been put on and sold as his own, if this is true should we stop teaching Shakespeare and reading it at school and constantly re-working it for films or plays and cease learning about it's influence throughout time, history and the imagination of man which it has kept alive and inspired, should we ignore the fact that ALL post Shakespearian art in ALL forms can be traced back to his acredited works in some way, every musician, actor, comic, singer, writer, painter, novellist, composer, even porn writer can credit the works of Shakespeare as an influence in almost all which they do, shall we ignore this impact, the most important and culturally altering works of art ever produced? No, cos it's not important WHO wrote these plays, WHAT they wrote is all that matters, we should just enjoy the work that has been produced and not for one second believe that the fact that these "faces" or "Images" are that of a "Manufactured" group automatically means the song is not of any merit even before it's even been heard, that's sentance without trial and that's called prejudice and it's a very immoral thing to do and you cant preach morality whilst refusing to grant certain music or artistic product even a moments attention. I like what I like and you can't disregard my taste and opinions in music or any creative process purely on the basis of some Holier than thou Artistic Morality Paradox which can't be fully explained or even clarified....

Back to TOTP's anyway, I cannot remember which bands or songs had led up to the pivitol moment i was destined to experience, I simply looked at the telly whilst kneeling in front of it on the carpet and the intro was made...

"This guys new song is a new entry at #11 this week here with Everyday is Like Sunday, i wish then i'd have everyday off! yes it's the mean and moody it's Morrissey" even as a child i heard that intro and felt that the presenters intro to this song was in such a badly written and pointlessly idiotic way that it was not out of the question to use the word "Cunt" in assessment of him as a person.

I'd never heard of this Morrissey, i thought it was written as Maurice E, or The Smiths for that matter but i continued to watch the telly with interest, i was always wanting to experience new things and would not lose concentration just because i'd never heard of this bloke. The camera moved over the crowds in the studio and there, on the stage, was something (yes "thing" not "one)" i couldn't quite get my head round, it's name was Morrissey and the that played song had a bass line intro that i found appealing, but what i was most curious about was Morrissey in itself ( i say "it" and "thing" because i think Morrissey is more complex than flesh, bone, face and body. Morrissey is a force of nature to itself) Morrissey was still camp and a bit fruity in demeanour but it did it with a seriousness and with such a genuinely realistic way, the likes of which i had never seen before. Campness in the 80's was literally as OTT as you could go with the luminous colours and as much make up as you could go, it's a testament to the softness of the 80's that the edgiest and most cutting edge band were Frankie goes to Hollywood, they were the Black sabbath of that decade. Morrissey however was new in his approach to this style, it wasn't fashion with this thing, it wasn't following a trendy fad, It was like that, It was every bit of the stage persona as It was in the real world, The hair was this massively high quiff, wearing tight jeans on with Chelsea boots and It was sporting this light pink shirt which really offered little in the way of actual protection as It only had two buttons done up and his mid-rif was on display, it was Camp and flambouyant but with a sense of holding back and refusing to look totally ludicrous. Morrissey may have appeared to have deliberatley looked as poofy as you could get really, yet i knew It didn't act and look like this because of that, The idea of defining and branding with a sexuality was not important because you knew that straight, gay or bi Morrissey would still be Morrissey (to this day the true sexuality has remained a mystery to the fans...along with me, but none of us care and nor do we seek it out or desire the answer, we just see Morrissey). I saw in This moment that acting in this feminine or highly questionable way was only a tool, it was the catalyst to create the riddle of what It was, it was like shouting in silence and It was saying "You decide what i am, I know what the truth is and i don't care about your opinions or fears, I am simply Morrissey and nothing more", It wanted to be an enigma to the world and not an open book. The rubix cube of man was he, the plain and simple Bible knows not she.

That was the moment in my life where i knew that being something different was NOT about breaking the rules or being unruly, the law and rules are not a factor in what you know is right, it was all about doing the things which to you felt the most life affirming, soul testing trials and never once being concerned about the acceptance or rejection which you will face from people who you encounter day to day. To me Morrissey was doing what all great People do (from Jesus to Johnny Knocksville, Moses to Max Clifford, Adam n Eve to All strangers for whom you grieve), they make people ask questions about them and yourself and then force people to deal with it and carry the burden of never really knowing the truth about you. No matter what was thrown and battered in your direction and spat at you in terms of labels or groups, this was not important to you and still you see the hurtful enemies wishing they could feel that way too. Your comfort lay in the fact that your always knew in your heart that everytime people saw you and encountered you that they lived in constant envy of your existence for you had no fear and no sense of danger, you also found solice in knowing that for every insult and verbal assault which questioned your integrity and value was nothing more than a euphimism, it was a facade which weak people always used to disguise the fear and jealousy they felt, wishing they could be as brave and individual as you were and always will be. In private they pretend thier you, but they never leave the house in that state of mind, the fear wont allow it.

I keep this concept with me always even to this day and will till i finally croak and cease to be, but even my death has got to be silly and bizzarre, maybe i'll organise to have myself assasinated whilst holding a massive box full of animal pornography in the middle of a Christian village fete, that'd be well good.

I always try to make sure that i never blend into any background or group setting, become an extra in everyone elses life story, I will dress, act, walk, look, hear and speak in the way and fashion which i feel captures others complete attention and makes me look and feel like i'm not part of a group, but an individual who is with a group but who easily could stand on his own and feel no different. I learned the hard way that the people who survive, the people who achieve thier dreams and goals and the people who are the most determined and irrepressible and formidable are those who feel as comfortable and confident in thier own company as they do around 20 other people who are giving them attention....my single philosophy from all of this is simply...

No truly content individual will ever be able to see or encounter people who try to imitate them and succeed, you must live to believe and be in no dobut that you are the only one of your kind and you must forever keep people guessing and pondering untill the bitter end, till they learn that an answer wasn't required or asked for, but the real question still needs to be asked and this is your puzzle..."And you are?"

Thanks Morrissey, i doubt you'll ever know the effect that your appearence on TOTP's had on a 9 year old boy who needed to be shown that being different is the only way to be and as you said yourself "Shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you like to"

All the best Richard Coughlan.

PS it got a bit heavy towards the end there, but that's the way I roll mofo's and bitches, i give it some crude jokey style and then go all left-wing hippy on you...can you guess what's coming next....me neither